Marriage – the good, the bad and the happy ever after!

I have some good news and some bad news.

The good news is I have a wedding anniversary coming up soon!!!

The bad news is, I am now being told what to write in these tips. My beautiful wife Karen (grovel grovel), has ‘instructed’ me that I must tell you all about the tremendous health benefits of being married (there’s a catch).

I agreed, on the condition that I could include lots of marriage jokes.
* They are at the bottom!!!

Anyway, the tip, is that being married is good for your health. Well sort of.

You probably know that research clearly shows that being married is good for men’s health. Unfortunately for women, they only derive health benefits if they are happily married…which makes more sense.

Interestingly,

* Men in good (‘happy’) marriages had fewer illnesses than their wives did?
* Wives in bad (‘unhappy) marriages had more illnesses than husbands did?

Hmmm, it seems men ‘take’ the upside and ‘pass’ on the downside. Are you not surprised?

Of course, all this research does is just reinforce how our emotional health affects our physical and mental health. Obviously, it’s not really about being married per se, but being happy, feeling secure and experiencing connection/love etc.

If you are single or divorced etc, it doesn’t matter, as long as you are happy. If you are married but ‘hate every minute of it’, your health won’t be spared just because you have a ring on. But, if you are happily married, you’ll be pleased to know that science confirms what I’m sure everyone already knows – it’s good for your heart health, blood pressure, cholesterol and for relieving anxiety and depression etc.

HELPFUL HINTS :

1. If you are ‘happily married’ (like many couples I see – one partner is happy and the other one is married!), count your blessings and go home tonight and thank your spouse for helping to keep you healthy. Seriously, give them an extra big kiss tonight.

2. If you’re in a really unhappy marriage (what I would call a ‘toxic’ relationship – toxic to you and your spouses health), obviosly do everything you can to rectify and improve the situation. While I certainly feel in no position to suggest what might be right in one’s marriage, there is a suggestion that if the situation is considered irreparable and both parties are completely unhappy, consider it may be better to terminate the relationship (obviously this is a highly individual matter). I know that’s easy to say, a bit blunt, and oversimplified (e.g where kids are involved etc), but better for everyone to be happy and single, than stressed, depressed, unhappy and married.

3. If you are single, divorced etc and are happy being so, don’t listen to your married friends who tell you “you should find someone”. Ignore them. Self love is the basis of all other love, so enjoy it. It has its blessings too.

If you do desire to be in a long-term loving relationship, remember that in terms of your health, it is even more important than what you eat or how much you exercise. So if it’s a choice between going to the gym, cooking at home or going out to meet some prospective prince or princess, put on your best threads and go for it.

4. And keep the faith. A study showed that 75% of those who died during sex…were in an extramarital affair!!! Interesting…the mind-body connection of guilt maybe!!!

LAUGHTER THERAPY – MARRIAGE:

Now for the FUN part. If you are married, you’ll know you need a good sense of humour!!! I hope these help.

For women:

1. First Woman (proudly): “My husbands an angel!”
Second Woman: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

2. A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, “Honey,pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!” The husband said, “Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?” “Doesn’t matter,” she said. “Just get the hell out.”

3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

4. Research has recently shown that there are 4 distinct types of husbands
Intelligent, kind, affectionate…………… and the majority.

5. During a recent publicity outing, Jennifer sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. “There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question. “Will I get acquitted?”

For men:

1. WOMEN’S ENGLISH TRANSLATIONS:

Yes = No
Maybe = No
I am sorry = You’ll be sorry
We need to talk = You’re in big trouble
Do what you want = Yeah do what you want, but you will pay for it later

2. Quotes:

"By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher". Socrates

"I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me." Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." Henny Youngman

"I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn’t." Patrick Murray

"Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming:
1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you’re right, shut up." Nash

"The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once…" Anonymous

"You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to." Henny Youngman

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met." Rodney Dangerfield

"A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'.
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'" Anonymous

3. A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.

One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

That’s all I have time for this week. Someone is calling out,
“Darling, we need to talk”. “Are you not meant to watch the football for 4 hours on your honeymoon???